say la vee

2012-01-11T19:31:00.003+08:00

Happy 2012.

This space has been quite forsaken. But with every new year, I make this resolution - to update my blog more often. Though I know I'm just lying through my fingers, I think credit should still be given that I'm making an effort to, well, lie.

I couldn't wait for 2011 to be over. I don't think that any phrase or string of words in any language can adequately quantify the tribulations I had to withstand. I had my heart truly broken once before, and I thought I was invincible when I got better. But now? Now I know that no such strength exists. Not one that will shield you from all the big bad evil wolves that're just waiting to tear every strand of faith hope and love you have into shreds.

Good thing it's 2012.

2011-07-05T14:52:00.003+08:00

I have all these feelings that I want to express but I just can't seem to string the right words together, that conveys how I feel, at least not adequately. I wish I was more eloquent.

2011-06-15T13:19:00.003+08:00

Before committing an immoral act there is always that defining moment just right inbetween the foreplay and the actual wrongdoing (not like the foreplay isn't just as inappropriate). To go ahead? Or not?

That split second you ask yourself that question is the clearest split second you will have in the whole course of commiting the crime, and if you don't stop right there, it'd be too late.

Generally, I think selfish people are happy people, or happier than people who aren't as selfish at least. Because they constantly seek self-gratification, even at the expense of others, and the selfish people feel bad (some don't even) but because their main concern is themselves, they won't bother with feeling bad for you for more than a minute or two. That's intervals of 1 or 2 minutes of unhappiness, and happiness the rest of the way because they are fulfilling their own needs and satisfying their personal desires.

So if that's the case, why do the rest of us have to be so considerate for.

2011-05-25T16:05:00.004+08:00

Forgive my self-indulgence and my absolute lack of updates in the last couple of months, but I'm in deperate need of a channel of relief.

I've been so used to just surviving, I forgot what living felt like. What being happy does to you inside. And it was good while it lasted, and then it faded and the sadness set back in worse than before.

I truly wanted to believe that I'm as magnanimous as I make myself out to be, but truth is, I'm as selfish and unreasonable with my partner as I am with myself.

I've been fighting how I've been feeling for longer than I can remember. When I'm angry, I fight to prevent my blood from surging out of my popping veins. When I'm upset, I fight to try and keep my head above the water. And in the little pockets of time I feel that very faint impression of bliss, I fight to keep reality from stealing it away. But above all, I fight the tears back. The tears triggered by the thought that we've already lost it all.

I'm thoroughly worned out by all the fighting.

The sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach combined with a perpetual literal pain in the heart is the worst feeling on earth. Forget starvation or chemo therapy. That's all child's play.

I hate you for having done what you did. I hate you for who you are. I hate that you don't get it. I hate that you never spared a thought for me. I hate that you're such a fucking hedonist. I hate that the thought of you still stirs me.

2011-02-04T17:03:00.003+08:00

Will it finally start to get better? After such a soulful release triggered by an episode of a drama series. Is it me or, somehow, we always relate to on-screen characters and their situations? Or are we just more sensitive to them when we're vulnerable.

What a start to the year of the bunny.

2011-02-02T01:58:00.003+08:00

I miss writing. I truly do. Writing for the new job can be grueling and, not to mention, stressful. My boss commends my English. I, on the other hand, am not too sure she's thinking straight. Or reading straight. I miss writing for myself. Jotting down my every whim and fancy, no thought required. I also miss writing essays, and the worst part could be that I don't find it distressing that I do. Geek maybe?

Whenever a year is coming to a close, we tend to involuntarily do a mental list of resolutions or changes we want with the new year. Or at least I know I do. All I really want for this year is to be assured I've made the right choice for both my career and my life. But after stumbling through the month of January, I'm left with nothing more than tousled hair and an obliterated heart.

No passion no life.

The disease is truly human ambition, human emotion. The disease is also the truancy of contentment, the relentless regrets.

No, maybe the disease is just my greed and my ill-considered choices.

What a way to usher into 2011. What happened to all the customary good cheer and refreshing optimism? Well, quite obviously not for this new year, or just not for me. If I were a stranger reading this, I would just drown in the abyss of melancholy that is this entry and tire before I reach the end.

Which I have.

2010-10-18T01:41:00.002+08:00

I watch as you maneuver in your cool yet sometimes awkward demeanor, as you allow your personal hygiene to plant that pimple, as you change your mind about me and our future. I watch, standing in the same spot, feet chained firmly to the ground.

Reminiscing the year and a half, the ups and downs, a crack was creeping its way down the middle. Diverging destinations, it's something we cannot control.

But sometimes, I just miss you so much it's hard to contain.

2010-10-04T14:15:00.002+08:00

The end is not near, it's here. Yes it is. 3 days till I return. No more gallivanting the streets of Melbourne cos I'm financially all wrung out, plus I still have a fair bit to pack. More of the simple pleasures for the next few days. Lying in the park with my hot coffee, having taro milk tea to go, watch the cute french waiter serve me awesome french crepes... And I reckon that's all the time I have. Oh well, I will be back in December. Albeit the weather won't be as wonderful as the last couple of days, in fact, it would be quite horrendous come December, but I reckon I will miss ValleyGirl and Forever New and Supre and EasyWay's taro milk tea and chilli eggs at Cafe Sweetheart too much to care about the scorching sun rays on my face, searing me to a tender rare.

And that's 1 for the drama queen in me.

Ok. Don't have that much time to spend sitting in front of my computer. See you SG-eans soon!

2010-09-10T01:51:00.003+08:00

It's nights like these, cold quiet and sleepless, that I miss the familiarity of city noise. Not so much here in Melbourne though.

It's an ungodly hour and I should be comatosed from too much to eat but I'm absolutely awake. Waking at 3 in the afternoon is having an effect on me. Not so sure I like it. Time to reform. Not only sleeping pattern wise.

Ok, no. Fine. After Defqon. Last time, promise!

Speaking of eating too much, I've a serious case of the chubby cheeks. Square jaws + excessive fatty tissue on cheeks renders pudgy looking photos of yours truly. Whipping out the Shaping Facial Lift from Clarins again.

I miss home. As in, Singapore. But the prospect of leaving Melbourne is rather heart wrenching too. Heart wrenching in the "I wanna hold on to this forever" kind of way. Yet I have my bouts of homesickness ever so often. I miss my friends dearly, and my parents even more. I suppose it's time to start life, and stop trying to put a halt to the next chapter.

Being coherent at this time of the night/morning is not exactly prime.

I feel like I have nothing to show except my grades and maybe a year worth of working experience to boot. I need to achieve something, somewhere. Something laudable. But I don't feel enough motivation to get it done. I just end up sleeping till 3 in the afternoon and have dinner, bubble tea and sleep again. A vicious cycle I can't seem to find the will to break.

Ok, resolution time. After an approximately 6 hours kip, I will get my life back on track. Time for bed.

xoxo

2010-08-29T11:36:00.003+08:00

Hi blog, I've forsaken you to the bowels of the web. But no longer, I pledge thee.

Slightly more than a month has passed and so much has changed. For so many of us, Melbourne will cease to be the present. And in the midst of all the goodbyes and the moving on, we realise that change is the only constant. Utterly cliche but so very true. What the future holds, we'd never know, all we know is right now, today, we have a birthday / farewell dinner and, hopefully, few tears.

For me, Melbourne will fade into a cherished memory come Oct. By a stroke of luck and the blessing of a higher power, I managed to gather enough funds to not only buy another return ticket between Melbourne and Singapore, but also stay on comfortably between the time my student visa expires till Oct. Expenses include Sydney and maybe another mini trip somewhere a drive away.

The end of Melbourne for me will mean a lot of conclusions, and hopefully there will be sufficient warm hello, again back home to counter the previous chapter's closure.

2010-07-15T15:59:00.003+08:00

I moving out of the city and into the subs. For people who drive, it's not a bad thing. Best of both the hussle and the quiet. And for people such as myself, who drive without a legitimate license, it's alright too.

Ok, no. I jest. I promise you I would never endanger myself or the good citizens behind the wheel. I swear.

I finally have to rely on the good nature of public transport here in Melbourne. Let's hope I don't get too well acquainted with break downs and delays and all the funny what knots they have here.

On the plus side about moving out, I get to stay in Melbourne longer! :D When all else fails, there's always the good ol' trusty Tourist Visa, which will be my ticket to staying in Melbourne for another 3 months. Defqon 1 here I come! :)))

On a different note, everybody's rather stressed out / down these days. You find that transitions don't always flow as smoothly as you'd like them to. After close to 3 weeks of tearing my hair out and farming stress pimples, I finally came to terms with my predicament and stopped trying so hard to be in control of everything, especially things that are beyond me. If a country doesn't want you, there's no point fighting so hard and be on the monetary losing end just to stay for a couple more months. Be where you're celebrated, not tolerated.

What the hell is happening to me. Whatever happened to Ms Glass Half Empty. Must be all the bad company. Optimism rubbing off on me.

2010-06-05T00:55:00.003+08:00

After blogging for 2 straight days, I actually devised a personal goal of blogging everyday for a month. Well.. so much for that. Haha!

My peak period's over! :D Happys.

But I'm not quite done yet. There's still a group assignment due next week, but I'm hoping that'll be a breeze, and I will officially be done with Uni! And come December 2010, they will finally bestow me my BA. I would then officially be a Professional Communicator. Ha!

When I was just a toddler, I would usually get lost in my own reveries of being in university. I thought then that if and when I graduate with a BA, I would have the world at my feet and working knowledge of the entire universe at my fingertips. I always envisioned university graduates to be the epitome of intelligence and knowledge. Like, they are pretty much God, minus the whole omnipresent bit. HA! Naive, I was. I get confused trying to discern the different kinds of parliaments and governments, and the jargon just drives me up the freaking wall. Knowledge at my fingertips, my ass. You learn as you grow older and as you attempt to open your illiberal little eyes, that it's just utterly impossible to ascertain all existing knowledge. So yes, after living abroad for 1 and a half years and more than 10 research essays later, I'm only imperceptibly more well informed than I was before. And who knows, come few years down the road I'll forget some things I knew before. Oblivion FTW yo!

Moving onnn. The only reason I'm typing such a lengthy entry today is because *drum roll* I'm in the suburbs. I feel horrid for being such a bad sister. I've been absolutely engrossed in my own life, friends and work and I practically draw a blank on my brother. I only thought of him once in the last 30 days. :( But it's ok, I'm making up for it now, subjecting myself to the barren of the suburbs. City kid talk. I don't have a clue how I'm going to survive here when I move in come July. I foresee a lot of stayovers at friends'. Note to Melbourne city palsies: Please be nice and come visit me and don't forget me.

Ok. Bed beckons. Yum cha tomorrow, bright and early at 1.15pm! xo

2010-06-02T14:10:00.003+08:00

Something about having my contact lenses absent from my eyes for more than 3 days straight isn't working out for me. The last time I had an eye infection saw the same process. I remained bespectacled for 3 days, slipped on my contacts after those 3 days, woke up with an eye infection the next. Maybe I should scrutinize the integrity of my lenses everytime I leave them the case for more than 72 hours at a time. Bahh.

Yesterday, I couldn't open my left eye when I woke. It was sealed shut by eye goo. Today it was my right eye. Taking turns I see.

Oh yes, remember that ineffable feeling I was raving about yesterday? Well, that's evolved into something different. But still ineffable. It's developed a very mild sense of aversion, yet still fairly luring at the same time. Not the same kind of luring nor the same degree as before, but it still pulls in its own way.

I'm searching for the fire and the passion, but it's all been reduced to being.. friendly. You were right, it's never a good thing when someone says "we need to talk".

Oh am gee. What am I doing. Please go and work on your essay Val.

2010-06-01T19:59:00.002+08:00

This emotion that I'm feeling is.. ineffable. And I'm rather perturbed by my inability to put my finger on it. I'd imagine this has a lot to do with my bouts of out-of-body experiences recently, and the precipitation that took place in a whim. And thanks to that I won't ever be able to figure out what I'm feeling and what I felt before. I can only hope now it will all fade with the submission of my essay on Thursday. Speaking of which, I could not have chosen a more inappropriate time to be mulling over something so peripheral compared to my major essay that's due in less than 48 hours. How many words do I have right now? 108. How many do I need? 2000. What a time to be dismayed to such a degree.

What's worse is that I'm out of comfort snacks to battle all these disconcertions, meaning the essay + indescribable feeling stress. Oh and let's not forget that my studenthood ends on the 9th. And that means it's time for me to get my act together, send out some resumes and pray that someone out there wants to hire me.

Food for thought, before I immerse myself in essay sweat: Do you, like me, actually secretly get quite ticked off over a passing (may not be, but it sure was a quick one) comment by a friend? And spend moments after that playing it over in your head and getting riled up inside?

2010-05-24T23:28:00.002+08:00

You've been so perfect to me. You've made so much effort in making sure everything would please me. You've gone lengths to make me happy. But why is it that I'm not happy now. Instead I feel terrible. I feel like I can't do the same for you. I feel like I can't give you how much you give me. You would give up an overseas internship for me, but I can't even decide to go back to Sg with you in July. This is not right. I'm starting to think you deserve so much more than what I can give. I don't want you to adjust your expectations anymore. I don't want you to settle.

2010-05-20T00:43:00.005+08:00

I cannot believe I almost typed in my student number and student password to enter my blogger. I actually started typing S-3-2-2 before I realised I wasn't logging on to an academic portal. Uni is driving me over the edge.

What's so tough about the last semester is the feeling of utter nonchalance about everything uni related. Well, for the most part of the 12 weeks that is. Now that the 12 weeks is about to be up, all the major assignment deadlines start to hover closer and closer over your head and you can't help but be bothered by it's impending end, and feel unequivocally STRESSED. Doesn't help that I have 2 major essays this semester that are due in the same week! Barely 3 days apart. Not to mention 1 photo essay, 1 presentation + 1000 word accompaniment and a PR campaign all due in the weeks before and after. And the very OCD me find it an astronomical challenge to work on all these assignments, especially the essays, simultaneously! I have to go from politics, democracy, modernization, Japan, to globalisation, communication, the human body, facebook, to media releases, media blasts, radio scripting, to muay thai, culture, the West, globalisation!

I NEED TO DO ONE THING AT A TIME. CHANNEL ALL ENERGY AND FOCUS ON 1 SINGLE ASSIGNMENT AT A GO, FINISH, THEN MOVE ON. This switching from one thing to another is causing a brain tumour. I FUCKING FEEL IT.

Also, I feel like running myself into the wall. Why in the world did I think I could write a paper on democracy?! WHAT GAVE ME THAT IDEA MAN. Sure, it's suppose to link back to "Asian Values" and cultural studies is quite my thing, but democracy, being the other half of it, is in every respect, NOT MY THING.

And PR, OMG PR. I didn't even make it to the client briefing. You know, the client briefing? The meeting that is the backbone and spinal fluid of the project? That without it, the project will cease to exist? Yes. That. I missed it. And you know what salvaged me having been absent? NOTHING. NOT EVEN MY 2 OTHER GROUP MATES WHO DIDN'T MAKE IT EITHER. Tell me now, or rather, how exactly are we going to go about this? RHETORICAL QUESTION BY THE WAY.

And photography! The one thing I look forward to had to be a flop on my first attempt. No thanks to having chosen a sucky location! Stupid Luna Park. You were such a waste of time and effort. And you don't want to get me started on how many times I had to change from tram to bus and back to tram again just to get to that freaking place because a stretch of the stupid tram tracks were under construction!

OH MY GOD, CAN ANYONE HEAR MY PAIN?! DO YOU FEEL IT?!

2010-04-20T17:34:00.003+08:00

Something I got off a friend's page:

When you know it in your heart thats what you are meant to do, pursue it relentlessly. and what needs to happen now is to be given the right opportunities, a little luck and the chance to shine.

I miss being driven and wanting something so bad that nothing else will do. I think I let my ambitions die because reality made it seem unrealistic and unattainable. But I know now that it can be. It could be. It may take me years, but I still want to get there. And when I do, I will know for sure that dreams can come true. BBC radio, I'm gonna get you.

2010-04-12T19:16:00.002+08:00

I don't think I've ever been this jaded. I haven't felt happy for what feels like a thousand years. Can't remember what being happy feels like.

I've been having one of those dreams where everything you touch seems to be massively bigger than you are. But you're the same size and whatever you touch is actually in proportion to you. But as you touch this seemingly normal sized slice of meat / piece of bread / lollipop, it all of a sudden morphs into something giant sized and all effort in trying to move the thing ends in futility.

What a dream. Way to make a person feel small.

And once again, paranoia plagues me. This space isn't safe anymore. But then again, when was it ever?

Don't you think it's time to apologise? Most definitely not, because you go ahead doing everything guilt-free and with no remorse. But what did I expect from you? Honestly, I don't know either. But I know I've never asked you for anything.

I'm trying to get to the root of my problem.

Maybe yoga and pilates will help.

2010-04-08T15:31:00.003+08:00

Thank you for being by me while I puked my guts all over the toilet bowl. For sacrificing your beloved sleep to be by my side. For going out early in the morning and getting me Gatorade. For making the appointment and going to the clinic with me. For settling the medication and the bill while I sat in a corner willing myself to feel better. For going back out again to buy pain meds. For taking me to the hospital. For registering and waiting with me at emergency and trauma. For being in the room with me the entire time. For bringing me home and putting me into bed. For making sure I felt better. For loving me. Thank you.

2010-04-08T12:20:00.002+08:00

The hospital was an experience. Getting food poisoning here isn't the same as it is in Singapore. Even though it's the mildest I've ever gotten, the measures that were taken just to get better were astronomically more than what I usually get in Singapore. In Singapore, a jab or a pill up the anal cavity and an 8 hour nap was all I usually needed, but here, omg. After a futile visit to the clinic and 2 courses of their useless meds later, I went to the hospital only to wait another 2 hours in pain before they finally gave me a bed. This was after a whole night of alternating between my bed and the bit of floor in front of my toilet bowl.

I stayed approximately 5 hours in the hospital and even after I was discharged I wasn't completely well. Stomach still felt sore and I still couldn't sleep for more than an hour straight when I got home. Only after some hot lotus root soup (courtesy of Kenny) was I able to fall asleep proper.

Speaking of which, the drama with food poisoning and the hospital made me realise how blessed I am. Despite recently having had a friendship ending in a debacle (and me reacting to it like it was the end of the world and made me consider moving my life to a different place on the globe), the being in the hospital business showed that I was surrounded with people who care. Ys's phone barely stopped ringing and mine was going off every half an hour or so with very concerned friends checking up on my condition. I cannot express enough how thankful I am for each and every one of you. For all the BBMs, texts, calls, twitter msges. From all of you whether in Melbourne or Singapore. Thank you a million times and a million times over.

2010-04-01T22:33:00.003+08:00

It's a lot colder out here in Doncaster. I think I miss Melbourne so much more tonight because I know what mayhem wrecks the city, marking the start of the Easter break, and I bleed to be part of the havoc. The mad (like, literally) people prowling the streets don't seem so scary right now, compared to the quiet of the subs. Tonight, I do not seek solitude. :(

I hope the next 4 days make up for tonight! I guess the thought of staying in the Marriott when I'm in Sydney's sort of comforting.

Anyway, tonight was The Fray @ Festival Hall. They were awesome!! Dine and I went absolutely ballistic when the lead singer got off the stage to meet the fans in the standing area during their last song (before their encore set of 3 songs). But I have to be honest, I didn't walk into the concert hall with very high expectations. I always thought The Fray were a little too boy band-ish and too commercial even when their songs are not particularly mindfuckingblowing. I guess they really proved me wrong! Shame on me for even thinking that cause they were incredible! The lead was really involved with the crowd and his stamina was fantastic, and even though he was losing his voice during the encore set, he still managed 3 songs and he was more than happy to do it! New found respect for The Fray. :)

Next up, John Mayer in May. I have a feeling I will cry uncontrollably when I see him walk out onto stage. Gonna prepare tissue packets.

2010-03-25T20:19:00.002+08:00

Dinner at the Hyatt tonight wasn't as.. pressuring as I thought it would be. I know my friends call me the Mummy Killer (cos I'm usually fantastic at making Mums fall in love with me, hehe), but when it comes to the significant other's family, things get a little sticky and I shut down unwillingly. But quite to my surprise, I was rather fine today. Must be the French way of saying Hello. Cheek to cheek kissing all.

It actually really warmed my heart to see how closely knit Ys and his family members are. He comes from a huge family and he doesn't even see his relatives all that often cause all of them live everywhere else in the world, but somehow even given the distance, they've managed to maintain such loving and comfortable relationships and it made me contemplate on my relationships with my extended family. I can only hope that when it's my turn to start my own home, it will be one just like Ys's.

That aside, the food at Hyatt was what you would probably expect from a classy hotel. Delicious tender wagyu rump steeped in a light sauce with pancetta, shallots and mushroom, and a nicely made cup of skinny latte to end of the meal. :)

Now time to complete my night by refining my media release and starting and finishing my photog assignment. Wish me luck!

2010-03-23T14:50:00.003+08:00

After reading a friend's blog and her consistent entries, I felt very ashamed with mine and what I've allowed it to become. I used to find an excess of joy sharing my day, my thoughts, my happiness, my worries on a blogging platform. But I think most of all, I miss exercising my fingers and my language. I think I've done too many essays, so many that it made every other form of writing a huge chore. Even filling up the "long" answer section of a survey's a pain which I avoid at all costs. And I realise that I start to say less in my entries when I hear that people I detest or don't particularly like are reading. Maybe it's just my sheer insecurity. But this space is different. Few know of this space so I can finally exercise my freedom without worrying. Another thing to exercise in this new phase of blogging.

Even though now's not an appropriate time to start rekindling my love for this (thanks to an essay I need to complete by tonight, due tomorrow, and I want to be able to go out for drinks tonight), I want to just kick it off with recounting some downs that have been riling me especially when I'm trying to sleep at night (or morning for that matter, I usually sleep at 5am now).

Just recently, I severed ties with someone I thought was my good friend. And maybe I'm being a little too harsh, but I cannot conceive how a person who walks around calling me her best / good friend could hang out with my most recent ex behind my back. My ex, a total dickhead (and that's being kind), is another story all together, but my friend, someone who's known me and shared many ups and downs with me for so many years withheld this recent development from me with the excuse - "waiting for the right time". There's never a right time for things like that. This was what set me off to think that it was on its way to being more than just hanging out as friends. I don't know which is worse. Her keeping everything from me, or that she was actually considering dating the guy.

Just for the record, my ex and I are, till today, not on talking terms due to complications of the past. I do not discount the effort he has made to try and be friends again, but it was just too soon for me. The mess, pain and anger still lived, and still does, quite vividly in my mind and heart and I still needed time to come to terms with the disappointment that he turned out to be (which I have already told him by the way, not in these exact words of course). Knowing this, my apparent friend still went ahead with his advances on her, and retained all of it from me. Even if she didn't know in detail why he and I weren't on talking terms today, I'm sure she knew full well what it would do to our friendship if she even bore the thought of hooking up with my ex.

Maybe it was just that I never expected her, of all people, to have done what she's done. Because she gave me the impression that our friendship meant a lot and that she understood very clearly where I stand when it comes to dating a good friend's ex. And maybe I held her in too high regard when I really shouldn't have.

Whether they are really dating today, or only have something brewing under the covers, I cannot bring myself to stay close friends with someone who's too close for comfort with an ex. Maybe I'm the bad guy here, but if you don't love me enough to understand me and realise the things I'm uncomfortable with, I have to love myself enough to not want to put myself through all the awkwardness, unhappiness and stay and watch the friendship decay into a pile of maggots.

2010-03-14T19:51:00.002+08:00

I feel it breaking. I feel the cracks spreading. I'm holding it all together now. I'm trying not to lose it. I won't lose it.

Baby, won't you please say you're my safety net. Won't you please show that you have that strength in you.

2010-03-05T10:29:00.002+08:00

I'm so tired of taking the initiative with all of you. All of you who profess to be my friend / goodfriend / bestfriend / boyfriend. Who the fuck do all of you think you are. I'm tired of being the "magnanimous" one or the "parent" or the "adult" in times of "crisis". I'm tired of allowing all of you to talk me into mush and I end up apologising even though you stole my cookie. You walk around with your expectations and narcissism and a profound feeling of proudness knowing that I'm a push over when it comes to all of you. You guys call it "Val's an understanding person and she understands me".

Then who is being understanding towards me.

2010-01-27T03:16:00.002+08:00

I experience this all the time, tell me if I'm the only one. I have a whole thread of thoughts I wld play back in my head on what I wanna blog about, and when I actually get in front of the computer facing this exact screen where I'm supposed to type my entry, everything I thought I wanted to write about just escapes me. Either that or I suddenly find that the things I wanna write about are so.. repetitive. Insignificant. Dull.

So if u want to continue reading, then I hope u find it worth your while.

I extracted 2 wisdom teeth on the left of jaw (my left, not yours) just Monday and that area of my face is currently swollen and utterly tender. So yes, time, once again, is on my side. All my plans of frolicking in the sun and out in the city has remained tentative so that I may nurse my bulgy face back to normal. That gives a lot of time to muse over everything and nothing (meaning to "stone", "stone" meaning think about absolutely nothing which I know u already know, not u know.. the other "stone").

What I meant to say is, this being swollen on one side of the face business SUCKS. Because sitting here surfing youtube and watching all the aspiring musicians just makes me feel like such a let down, like how I gave up on piano midway. And all the excess energy I have from all the soup n porridge I consumed fuels my brain to mull over this and that friendship (mainly ones that have been lost), which, once again, suck. Because really, if I hadn't gone ahead and booked that appointment that I knew wld put me in this position, I wld be out revelling about under the sun, in the city, whatever floats my boatybye.

That yes, I always chose the most ungodly hours to write an entry. Going to bed now.

2010-01-15T04:17:00.002+08:00

As fervently as some of us may protest, I think a teeny fraction of us want to believe in the wonders of love. After a really bad break up and months, possibly even years, of mourning hurt hate and self pity, I emptied my heart into a box and wrapped it under lock after chain so noone would ever be able to do what he did to me. Yet buried yards beneath all the trust issues, constant paranoia and pessimism was a little trinket with the word 'love' on it. A belief that there can b complete utter trust and an infinity pool of love between 2 individuals.

I hope you grow into the man you've set out to be so that I can realise this with you.

2010-01-13T01:25:00.006+08:00

I'm loading 1001 things on youtube right now so my internet's running slow as hell, but I feel like I need to recap and note down my Bangkok trip before I start forgetting bits of it. So here goes. Oh, and yes, I'm back from Australia, been back for ages even though it doesn't feel at all like it cos I've been busy busy busy. With what, I'm not exactly sure myself but I knw it's got a lot to do with not having been in my own country much for the past 3 weeks. Ok, Bangkok trip.

Day 1

- Touched down like at 7pm or smth

- Explored hotel surroundings

- Had what we thought was cheap Thai food @ hawker like place nearby (coconut was awesome ass)

- Shopped along the roadside stalls

- Bought Chang beer top for YS

Day 2

- Missed brekkie, but went for swim and tanned for a bit

- Met Andrew, local friend who's half British too

- Had lunch @ A&W

- Brought us to Platinum mall, shopping madness

- Dins @ nice Italian place

- Club @ Route 66 before adjourn to Wipp (FUNNEST NIGHT EVER)

- Got super smashed @ Wipp thanks to Bay's sis's husband

- Make way back to hotel

Day 3

- Missed brekkie, again

- CTC, didn't enjoy it cos it was too crowded but suer huge so fine, experience

- Chop chop to Platinum again

- Shiyan got pick pocketed, blackberry and 1000 baht gone

- After buying a ton of bags, back to hotel

- Freshened up, went for Thai dinner at Soi 5

- Had weird American talk to me otw to Bed

- Bed Supperclub!!!

Day 4

- Finally made it for brekkie

- Went back to room and died in bed (OMG, wasting day, very bad)

- Gave going to Platinum a miss (I know, like again)

- Got up, Andrew came, and out we went to Grand Palace and Temple

- Went to temple, rented clothes cos had to cover up to go in

- Only I went in, with Andrew cos it's free for him

- Came out from changing room looking like a local, had ppl speak to me in Thai

- Went in to temple, look see, trigger happy

- Temple closing so came out, returned clothes

- As returning clothes, random stranger lady sitting on steps with son stared at me and nodded in approval to son sitting beside her (this is according to Andrew)

- Went out to look for D and S

- Had the awesomest coconut ice cream EVER

- Adjourn to another temple

- Look see snap snap snap

- Left for dins @ place in Siam Square

- Aft dins, went to mall with lots of phone stuff, cldnt find case for phone cos too new

- Left handphone mall & headed for massage @ Miss Puke

- Aft massage, went back hotel, had drink, then PING PONG SHOW

- Went to place, disappointed, no more pingpong show

- Decided to enter Suzie Wong, naked girls on stage and dirty old white men sitting in booths

- Felt uncomfy @ first, then started having fun

- Dinah had a lot of attention, and so did Andrew

- Shiyan got hit on by butch

- Went home, crashed

Day 4

- Aft 2 hours of sleep, rushed to get to airport, so missed brekkie, OMG

- We thought flight was at 930am, turns out it was 905am, got to gate 5 mins aft plane flew

- STRESS PANIC TRAUMA ANGER ANNOYED PENNILESS TIRED HUNGRY

- All flights full, went on standby for all of them

- Met guy who said will help us get SQ flight, but have to wait till last min

- Wait and wait and wait for SQ flight, finally got it, HAPPIEST MOMENT EVER

- A380, comfy, food, watched 9

- Finally home, longest 8 hours of my life

That's abt it, my trip in many dash points, hopefully there'll b pictures! The whole part abt missing our return flight was absolutely not ideal, but I guess I did always wonder how it felt like to miss ur flight. For me, it's the kind of thing u'd only ever hear abt but will never actually encounter personally, and quite honestly, my whole life has been pretty organised and I've always been super anal when it comes to things that matter, so in retrospect, I actually thought it was rather.. refreshing to have missed my flight and be completely stranded in a foreign airport for 8 hours with no confirmation of being on any flight until like half an hour before the plane leaves its berth. Hahaha. Sounds a trifle sadistic doesn't it. And I suppose it kinda paid off cos we few back by SQ and we got to b on the A380 which was such a wonderful experience.

Anyway, that very traumatising yet amusing encounter aside, on a completely different note, dinner today was so wonderful. I'm not inclined to reveal where I dined because there's this one person in particular I'm not absolutely happy sharing such a wonderful place with (for many reasons and the main one being the copycatting has already gone on many miles too far), and I know this person reads this space. But regardless, I have to note it down to remember in many years to come, the absolutely lovely foie gras. And the delightful deep fried oysters with the multi-coloured sauces separated in individual shot glasses. And the tender pork belly as well as the marvelous chocolate lava cake. It was though, a very unhealthy meal altogether. I felt so oily after it I think I cld have perspired oil.

So ok, another wonderful day tmr. With ys before he flies off to Chicago for like a century.

2009-12-11T00:44:00.002+08:00

I'm home! Well, I've been home for a while now. Not that I haven't had the time, but mayb I just don't think blogging is as important as True Blood or Flash Forward or re-watching episodes from Greys. Haha! Ok. I just sound sad now. That's not all I've been busying myself with. For the record, I lost my voice 5 days into being back. All the yapping and running around took its toll. My uncle passed away too, since I came back, so there was the wake. More on that another day, mayb never.

I'll be starting work tmr. I decided on smth less professional, with lower commitments, so no, no 9 to 5, or in my case 9 to whatever God forsaken hour. Just a short stint and a little pocket moneyy! Most importantly, pocket money for Jan's Bangkok getaway!

Good times ahead, please. Thank u! And no more fretting over matters of minuscule importance.

2009-10-30T23:45:00.004+08:00

Tonight, we went to this really awesome corner in Port Melbourne for a mini celebration. It looked really nice, old and rustic on the outside, but clearly modern with its lit headboards (or whatever u call that thing that goes over the entrances of places bearing the name of the place) and elaborate looking cctv devices.

I thought the entrance was a tad narrow though. And what made it harder to enter was the 2 bouncers guarding it. But they were very friendly for bouncers, and very gentlemanly as well. Anyway, a few steps in, pass the lounge area, we met with the waitress who took us to our seats.

The dining area could probably only seat abt 40 people max? But it wasn't too crowded tonight so they gave us bigger cushion seats. I thought the waiting staff were all very friendly, and not the extremely makes-you-uncomfortable kind of friendly, but the just nice, I-wanna-make-sure-everything's-great-for-u kinda friendly. And not just saying it, but actually meaning it.

So we started off picking our drinks for the evening. Ys had the shiraz the waiter recommended and I took a chance with their strawberry mojito. Shiraz was good, strawberry mojito was quite a disappointment, but I wasn't gonna make a fuss over it. Probably not drink it as much or smth, but one of the waitresses, who came over to pour us more water, asked if the mojito was good so I just gave my honest opinion and said it wasn't really and she got it corrected for me! :) And she was happy to do it, u can tell. Ace for service!

Anyway, for mains we ordered their steak special and maple glazed stacked pumpkin, and a side of green onion mesh to share. We waited quite awhile, and there were some diners, who came after us, who got their food before we did. But whatever unhappiness faded the moment our food arrived and we had our first bite. I had the pumpkin mainly (we were suppose to share, but yea..), and it was so so good! It was, like I said, maple glazed pumpkin chunks mixed with pumpkin mash and bits of corn, topped with spinach, tomato then a lightly grilled layer of feta cheese. Rocket greens and pine nuts on the side (was actually stacked on top of everything). Inner realm (haha, I cannot find more appropriate words) of the plate was lined with this chocolate looking sauce, but it wasn't chocolate. It was actually a little sour. Anyway, it was really awesome pumpkin! So far, we haven't gone wrong ordering pumpkin at restaurants. Last time we went to Rockpool, the pumpkin there was fantastic too. The steak Ys had was also great! I thought it was better than the one at Rockpool, and 5 times cheaper. Mayb I just don't know how to appreciate aged, strangely marinated beef, but I thought the steak here was much better.

After our mains, we order their Death by Chocolate brownie with cream and raspberry coulis for dessert. And I cannot say this more, but it was so good too! Firstly, the presentation was absolutely adorable! I managed to sneak a picture of it. Oh by the way, I thought it was quite a pity that I forgot my camera and far worse when I saw how pretty the food all looked (that's why I don't have pictures for this post), but inbetween our main and dessert, I imagined how it must look if I fished out my camera and constantly snapped away. A BIT not very cool ya. Practically juvenile. Anyway, picture of Death by Chocolate!

Not very stunning, taken with my phone, but Haha! Dead Dessert! Anyway, Brownie was moist, chocolate sauce in little espresso cup was warm, cream was cool, and the raspberry coulis, omg, the raspberry coulis, was heavenly. It balanced the creaminess and the chocolate out very nicely. I wld have licked the plate if I weren't in public. Heh heh heh! :P

The band at the lounge area was quite good as well. They were quite country, not my first pick for genre, but they were very nice to listen to especially since I haven't been going out to watch live bands in AGES (or just going out for that matter). Sigh. But yes, tonight was a good night. Highlight of the month, possibly even in the last 2. Since I've been trapped in the hell of peak period for what seems to be like forever, and I don't exactly receive an abundance of invitations to join the party . . . (haha)

2 more to go. 2 more to go.

2009-10-23T01:36:00.004+08:00

Ys just let me watch this video on youtube. I wonder when the Singaporean media will desist from playing up bimbotic representations of Singaporean women. Have we become such capitalists, unreasonably devoted givers of entertainment, slaves for pop culture, that we've forgotten the importance of representation in media? I believe that not all the girls in that video have hollow skulls, but why is it that they're constantly being portrayed that way? Sigh. Makes me sad.

Anyway, I'm almost outta gas at this point in the semester. :( Been feeling mildly under the weather for more than a week now, probably closer to 2, but I have to persevere. 3 more major ones to drop before it's all over, 1 of them being on Monday. Usually, I get quite frantic less 5 days to deadline, but I'm surprisingly lighthearted. In fact, so lighthearted that I've barely touched the prerequisite readings for the essay. Sigh. It's on photography, and I should be eager to bury my head in them, but it's so hard to just stare at your computer screen and read. Read like there's no tmr. Sigh. This incessant flow of work is just so tiresome.

On another note, after submitting my essay on Tuesday morning, I decided I should reward myself with a jaunt around Valley Girl and a walk in the park since the weather was just perfect that day. So I showered, got dressed, and headed out, albeit without sleep the whole night through, but happy as a button to step outta the house and do smth if not enjoy the sunlight. After dropping by uni and my planned trip to Valley Girl, I came back home to drag the log out of bed and to the park. Wasn't gonna allow him to sleep his day away when it was just awesome outside.

So to the park we went! I call it Exhibition Park because it's along Exhibition, but apparently, it's called Carlton Gardens. Hmmm, well, what it's called doesn't matter.

I love the place. It's got this massive fountain slightly deeper into the park that's untouched by shade, so when the water comes on and reflects the sun rays it looks absolutely magical! :) We were just wondering why the pool beneath it had reddish water. Guessing it was oxide. Oh and Ys feels shudder-ish when he sees that Victorian looking building beside the fountain cos that's where he sits for his papers. Poor boy. So we settled along the banks of the nearby pond.

Being out and about in the sun made me feel a lot better. My signus went away, I felt happier, wide-eyed. But, HUGESIGH, I'm back to being stuck in my little claustrophobic room again, for the next I don't knw how long. If I'm not here, u'll find me in the radio dungeons in uni editing my life into a radio drama. Speaking of which, this radio drama's my brainchild so I'm gonna be working pretty hard on it.

Cannot wait to finish. But for now, omg, it's 5am, and I'm still at my first set of readings!

2009-10-17T02:17:00.004+08:00

Dinner at a French restaurant a couple of weeks back. Was rather disappointed, but he was really sweet to have arranged it. And yes, I'm a huge ass sucker for big red succulent roses.

I really have no business being awake at this hour much less blogging. But I need to fulfill the intense needs of the slacker in me. I'm 600 words into my 2.5k word essay, and I'm barely into bringing my point across. I'm massively longwinded, I know. I actually decided to retire abt an hour ago, and mayb surf a bit of web, abt 15 minutes or so, before slipping into bed. But nooo, I had to start browsing pictures. Tidying some virtual folders. I'm trying to slack as much as I possibly can before I get so sleepy I concuss on my laptop, cos I know tmr's gonna see none of that. None of me luxuriously spending time on unproductive things. Like now, typing tautologously. The same thing, over and over again in different ways. See!

I have a feeling I may have only made sense to myself there.

Anyway, I cannot express how excited I am abt submitting all my assignments. No more pressuring myself on doing well. Just an abundance of play.

There's the stand-up I HAVE to go for, Dolly Diamond at The Butterfly Club. Michael Jackson's This Is It, movie premiere. Time Traveler's Wife, opening on the 5th of Nov. Shoppingggg! So many other things. Need to refer to travel guide.

2009-10-07T01:41:00.004+08:00

This feeling, that which I'm expressing, or rather, incapable of, is a feeling that is now unfamiliar, after a prolonged duration of conscious elusion, but is leaking back into that hollow muscular organ... what's it called again?

I'm extremely ambivalent towards it, and so will my actions in steering where it will all eventually lead. Maybe I'm more incongruous than I thought.

For a first time in the longest time, I fear. And this fear, it's pernicious and impossible to ignore. Far worse, I doubt it's curable.

With great feeling, comes great risk. And unfortunately for me, with great risk, comes great fear. And this fear might just reverse the whole process. They say you will find a reason to never have to fear again, but what do they know. Possibility is probable, however impossible its probability may seem.

2009-10-03T01:37:00.004+08:00

I'm having one of the worst sore throats I've ever had in my entire 21 years and however many months and days. It doesn't bug if I don't swallow or try any fancy deep breath taking, but besides that, it feels like my tonsil got replaced by a huge metal coppery tasting ball, and it's making it difficult for anything to go pass it. Like anaphylactic, yes, but at least that goes away with a pill and some rest. I've been feeling like a copper ball for the last 2 days.

I cannot fall sick I cannot fall sick I cannot fall sick.

I have 8 deadlines in the next month. I cannot fall sick. If it takes an injection or constant popping of meds, I'll do it. As long as I do not fall sick.

Anyway, for the purpose of work, I dragged Dine along with me to an Arts studio tucked in a quiet little corner of Albert Park to watch one of the installments of Velvet Cabaret and Comedy Nights, which was part of the Fringe Festival. It's quite sad that no more than about 10 ppl turned up because it was really quite a nifty setup and the acts were all really good. Some of them were rather, esoteric and I wouldn't for a moment pretend to understand or try and decipher their meaning, but I enjoyed their effort in the manner I could. By giving them my full attention and make every attempt in trying to SQUIRREL ... to, erm, what was I saying again?

Ok, not very funny. I'm still not over Dug from Up. He animationanimalsifies love.

We took some pictures. Too lazy and ill and tired to dig for them through my folders. It requires so much, clicking. I think I use lesser muscles to roll over into my bed. NOW.

2009-09-27T11:35:00.003+08:00

2 things I absolutely abhor abt my academic life.

1) When I tell ppl I go to RMIT. For ur very kind information, I was offered positions in all 3 Unis here in Melbourne. Meaning RMIT, Monash & Uni Melb. If u, with some warped perception, think that I entered RMIT because it was my only choice, u're bloody WRONG. Instead of chosing to write essays and sit for exams for the rest of my uni life, I chose a course that would give me a good mix of everything. A uni that would prep me well for my entering into the work force in the related industry. Plus, there's a very strict criteria to enter RMIT Communication and Design courses and they have a ballpark average of thousands of applicants each year, and only a couple of hundreds get picked. So try getting accepted into RMIT Comms in Melbourne and try being a consistent HD student before you give me that cringed up look and sound mildly disgusted when u hear RMIT!!

2) When my friends comment that I'm only doing so well now because I've taken all the modules in Poly before. Excuse me, do u know how different it is here compared to Poly? Besides, the only unit that's pretty much the same as what I took in Poly is Radio and I don't take 4 units of Radio ya.

Sigh. Right. All off my chest now.

2009-09-21T14:34:00.002+08:00

Caption: I swear I'm study.

Life is good. For now. Mayb becos I just had a really awesome coffee session with Cheryl. I don't know why we don't meet up often, but I really think we should.

So I found out via an ex-colleague's tweet that Neil Gaiman's going to Singapore for the writer's festival on the 31st Oct and 1st Nov, but I'm not gonna b around then. Yes, I'm cussing under my breath. But thank God for good people, my ex-colleague offered to help me get a book signed if he's gonna go. :) May not be as awesome as being there personally, breathing the same air Neil Gaiman's breathing, but it's better than nth. And awesome to know that I have good friends who share the same interest. :)

5 more weeks until I'm done with this semester. Time really flies. It's like, I looked down to check my outfit and the semester just whisked by in a speedy gust of wind. So many things to do everyday, but it feels like I'm not doing anything significant any day. And now, I gotta head out to Kairos to facilitate Dine's hair cut. :D Hopefully will get some readings done when we head to the library after.

2009-09-19T00:40:00.002+08:00

My ex-boyfriend once told me a story of one of his colleagues who got married and, as a newly wed, always stayed late at mass with the rest of the guys instead of dashing home right after work and relishing in the after marriage honeymoon. So one day at mass, curious, the guys asked him why the hell he chose to stay at mass instead of returning home and savouring as much of the honeymoon as possible. His reply was that he was conditioning his wife to being used to him not scurrying right home once the knock-off bell goes. If not, she would always expect him to walk through the front door half an hour after 6 and would probably throw a hissy fit if he walked in 2 hours later than usual.

When I was first told this tale, I said nothing. Because my ex-boyfriend seemed to fervently agree with that practice and, well, what he believed was law. It would have been absolutely ineffectual and unwise for me to try and bring my point of view across, so I saved myself the effort and kept my blood at 36degrees.

I would never marry a guy who would try and condition me. What is this? A game? Am I a puppy you're trying to potty train? Ridiculous. If you don't want your other half to be too used to a certain way of living, talk to them about it. That's why God gave you a voice. You guys are married for crying out loud. If you can't talk to each other and understand each other, then you shldn't have gotten married in the first place. And if your marriage is built on a series of games and codes of behaviour, you're better off marrying a PS3. And for the closest intimate experience to meet your libido, you could always buy one of those big ass heaters and sandwich yourself between 2 slabs of fresh meat.

You may disagree, but that's my point of view. If marriage's a game, then there's nothing else left that's honest and pure, except for parental love.

2009-09-18T02:09:00.002+08:00

This is us, hangin' at the livin'. Doin' the thin' we do at 4 in the mornin'. Which is actually suppose to be working on assignments and meeting deadlines. Instead, Dine made herself a bowl of leftovers and I was getting reading to go on Skype & go to sleep.

We have such unwavering attention spans, we shld be awarded for our sheer will to focus. To focus on everything but work that is.

If we go on like this for the rest of the semester, the 30th of Oct will be the day of our death. Or mine at least. Dine's shld be earlier seeing how she's got an essay due on the 21st and another on the 28th this month.

2009-09-16T11:54:00.002+08:00

Uni staff are on strike again, so that means no classes for me today. BUT, my Sex & Gender lecturer/tutor decided to shift today's lecture and tute, and spread it over the next 2 days. The next 2 days which are (now were) 2 of my 3 no uni weekdays!! So much for that. Pfft.

So I'm sitting here, having only just woken up less than an hour ago, staring at my big box orange tictac, contemplating if I should finish Gossip Girl and the tictac. As I contemplate, the tictacs are depleting. Oh well, GG and tictacs it is.

But just before I exposee my windows and treat myself to GG&TT paradise... Yesterday, I almost got pick-bagged (bag version of pocket) with my rent in my wallet. Full-on sets of 50 dollar notes, 900AUD worth of it. Good thing I've always had an Aunty streak in me. Once I felt like my bag was being tugged, I swung it from the side-closer-to-back to right-bloody-in-front, and kept it there. First thing I did was to check and make sure my wallet was where it's suppose to be, before I threw a glare at the bitch. The bitch who was being, well a bitch, and was pretending to look around like nothing happened. She had a jacket over the crummy hand that she intended to stick into my bag. I kept my bag in the front of my body the whole way back.

Call me Aunty but I would trade looking stylish for my belongs any second of the day.

2009-09-09T21:45:00.005+08:00

Can you really forgive if you can't forget? But how do you forget? How do you forget about the betrayal that destroyed the friendship? How do you forget the lies that landed you in muck? How do you forget the hurt that made you lose 10kg?

Now, I think when we say 'forget', we have to exam what exactly 'forget' constitutes. Does 'forget' mean literally forgetting? To practice selective amnesia and actually erase from your memory that which requires forgiveness? Or are we saying 'forget', as in, to allow/make/condition a life-changing something become a matter that isn't worthwhile remembering? To ignore it. Or are we saying 'forget', as in, let so much time go by that even the biggest disappointment and the most life altering event seem too far away to matter?

Whoever came up with the saying of 'forgive and forget' should be more specific under what circumstances it can be applied to. Sure I'll forgive someone who spilt coffee on my shirt, and I'd probably forget it in a day or 2. I'll forgive someone who stepped on my foot in the club, and I might just forget about it 3 wines later. But to forgive and forget someone or something who broke your heart into more pieces than it can be broken might be quite the challenge.

Well, I guess if you're magnanimous enough, you could just forgive that person. Have no hard feelings whatsoever. So with forgiving do you forget as well? Is it like a domino effect?

Maybe that's why the saying is in the sequence 1) forgive, then 2) forget. It doesn't specify when exactly you're suppose to forget. You could forgive (if you're really that big-hearted), and the 'forget' chapter might only come a few chapters behind. Or at the very last one that inscribes the last days of your life.

So the next time some smart alec tries to debate you on how you can't forgive if you don't forget, highlight to them the sequence of the idiom and it's unspecified timeline. Lets see what else they'll have to say.

2009-09-07T14:06:00.006+08:00

And here I am, in Melbourne Australia, going on roadtrips and far off places, feeling all smug when I think about my poor darlings stuck on tiny little Singapore (and some dying to get off it) where one end meets the other in a brief 45min drive. I shld be punished for scoffing in the dark.

Because compared to someone living in Geneva with her caucasian husband whose mum has a to-die-for garden. And taking roadtrips in Italy. Flying to London occasionally, and enjoying sights of yards of grass as far as the eye can reach. Not to mention, having the option of settling down in any random cosy little cafe that has windows laced with potted flowers, and bask under the candescent sunrays with the light cool breeze brushing through her hair whilst drinking hot coffee without worrying about sweating like a pig after. Ok, wait, I could do the coffee bit, but everything else ... Le sigh. The life. And the mysterious 'she' featured here happens to be one of my friends/acquaintances from back in poly. No, it wasn't a shotgun. Contrary to common belief, young people are actually capable of commitment.

This is a classic case of 'the grass is always greener on a mountain a thousand miles away'. I wanna tour London too. And Italy. And France. And China. And Japan. And the States. And Korea. And Venice. And Rome. And New Zealand. And and and and!!! One shld practice the art of being satisfied with what one has, or in this case, with where one is.

To make up for my lacking travel experiences, I shall make a date with Salvador Dali next weekend and pretend that I'm moseying through the aisles of the Dali museum in Spain. Imagination will have to do for now.

2009-09-03T14:17:00.004+08:00

The mid semester break isn't exactly suppose to be a break. It's the school's way of torturing you. They hurl a thousand and one assignments at you, then say, oh yea, and here's a 1 week leave from classes. So what do they actually really expect you to do in this one week? Not rest. No. No such thing. You're students. Rest and relaxation shld never appear in your schedule, like, ever. The idea of the 'one week break' is there to con you into thinking that the school cares for your well-being.

But I don't know why I'm complaining. I have nth to do this week. This week which is my 1 week break. I cld do forward log readings. Work on my oral presentation which is 3 or 4 weeks away. Start thinking about my essays and my impending radio packages. I cld. But I'm not. Which is probably not the best move. Mid semester was not this relaxing last semester. It shldn't be this semester. Doing forward log work is healthy for you, Val. Evenly spread-out work is goooood (chants).

So anyway, I kicked off my 1 week break by not going for most of my classes last week. Ha! And I expect to get myself 4 HDs this semester. GOOD LUCK, ALTER EGO. Aaaanyway, it all started with not going for classes and heading off on a 2 day roadtrip along the Great Ocean Road with Sfee, JT and Mani. As I've mentioned. Yes, I got back alive. Thankfully. And it was quite a blast! :) Many thanks to Sfee for organising the whole thing and all for the wonderful company. I had the most amazing high, which I didn't really get to exploit to my full advantage, but lets not get all angsty about it. Good things will come eventually! :)

I guess it's time I do some work to ease my load when semester starts again. Some shots from the roadtrip to go!

2009-08-27T02:09:00.003+08:00

Embarking on a mini roadtrip with sfee, sfee's Singaporean friend (that I'm not acquainted with), and Mani (newly made friend from sex & gender class) this coming Sunday. Mini roadtrip = 1 night. And we are apparently going to attempt the feat of drinking through the night and drive the next day on no amount of sleep whatsoever... If I die, Mum, Dad, please know that you guys are my world. :/

TOUCH WOOD! CHOY! No such misfortune will befall me or my friends!

I'm actually growing a trifle worried now. Gonna pray before the trip. And getting everyone to do the same.

So I'm still leading my days/nights of vampirism. Of snoozing through the day and staying awake at night. I try to get up when there's sun. I really do. I went for my 4.30 class on Tuesday, and attended all my classes today.

Speaking of today, after class sfee and I had dinner with or new friend, Mani. We've known him for about a month now but we both thought he was the kind that fell into the 'fun to hang out with', 'strangely comfortable to be around', 'weirdly but not overwhelmingly friendly' type of category. If you get my drift. So we thought, why not ask him along for the roadtrip. Since we only had 3 people including ourselves, and he could drive, which was what we needed. So yay! Can't wait to come back with the verdict of the trip!

After dinner, Dine myself Jas and her cousin popped over to Crown for Inglourious Basterds. Good movie. :) And of cos, nothing short of what you would expect from Quentin Tarantino. Ahhh, today was a good day. :)

2009-08-22T17:00:00.002+08:00

My karma for having dated and hurt a 'weaker child' was probably to have dated a chronic liar after him. And to have had people talk about my personal life like it was gossip on Teen magazine. And to have had some of those people look at me in a different light from then on.

This happened ages ago, but it's one of those things I'm not proud to have done. I'm not trying to find excuses, but people make mistakes. And sometimes we do horrible things. I've tried to right this wrong. I've made peace with the 'weaker child'.

Thanks to those who see that 'we all do horrible things sometimes', and still acknowledge me as a person, a friend. But to those who don't, I'm sorry that I'll always be guilty in your eyes. And I'm sorry that you don't know that I've always seen u as a person, a friend, even after having heard horrible things about u.

2009-08-21T02:11:00.003+08:00

I promise I will never again leave all the work till Monday evening. Especially since my week starts on Tuesdays.

Oh hoorah. 1 more week of uni then ultimate freedom! For a week. Ok, fine. NOT ultimate freedom. In fact, quite constrained. And loaded with stupid graded reading log-like essays. And stupid formulate-your-own-question research papers. 1 week of utter unguided hell. :( Yes, even hell needs direction. Whole point why schools exist in the first place.

I learnt today that the cafe in my uni sells plastic bowls of fruits which just happen to be absolutely delish. I bought a very colourful bowl today and it kept me fueled until Dine came and joined me in the underground room I was practicing my ritual in. Micro-managing & micro-editing to the max. I wish I didn't care so much sometimes, so I'd stop spending the same amount of time on 1 assignment people spend completing 2. I reckon even 3 sometimes. Ok, the 3 class really just doesn't care at all. Either that or I'm just beyond slow. Or beyond perfectionism. Heh heh heh.

I'm typing this entry in a semi trance-state. Fatigue trance. You should try it out too. Feels semi like a green high. :) Maybe I'll see stars in my room tonight.

OH MI LORD. I STILL HAVE WORK TO DO. SAVE ME.

2009-08-19T00:56:00.005+08:00

Ah ha! You skeptics and unbelievers! I got up on time today and made it to lecture at 11.30am despite a meagre 3 hour (or less) kip. I sometimes give myself quite pleasant surprises. :) It's, er, 3am now. I've had tea and coffee today. At different times, but I'm hoping the renown ying yang drink effect will make its way to me. Eventually.

I promised my groupmates I'd have my part for the assignment up on FB (such evolution, from snail mail, to e-mail, to FB!) tonight. It's still tonight to me, even though it's really the next morning. But really, not like they're anxiously camping in front of their computers and refreshing FB every 5 seconds. So, who cares. Due in week 6 anyway. They'll see it when they wake up. Speaking of which, after completing this 300 word comprehensive essay about the body as a communication technology (which is just wasting my precious time and valuable mental energy), I have a reading log to do. Think that might have to wait till tmr morning. Of which I'd wake in time to finish and even arrive punctually for my 11.30am tute.

I'm quite thoroughly enjoying my current reading that has to be incepted in order to answer the baffling query of the body as a communication technology. It's about deafness and the conception and understanding of everything the universe contains without the acquisition of a spoken language. This is of cos only for the congenitally deaf. It's super intriguing (but I took a mini break and now I can't get the momentum back thus the blogpost) and so, out of thought? For lack of a better way to describe it. It's so unimaginable. I think it truly enlightens you on the much neglected essentiality of a comprehensible speech and the written words that go along with it in order to discern everything else in the universe (and even out of it). So what happens when that very fundamental knowledge is absent? With no intervention of actual sound, in what alien argot do they communicate and conceptualise?

Good, the more I type abt it the more eager I get to go back to my readings.

2009-08-18T03:11:00.004+08:00

I'm up at this ungodly hour because for 2 reasons.

First, my biological clock's back to being vampire-like. I function at night and sleep through the day. I just don't wanna get up. Like how I totally didn't want to get up today aka yesterday aka the 17th of Aug. I was dreaming about shooting zombies and it was pleasant. I foresee that a bulk of my fortune this semester will go to the lan shop opposite my place.

Second, with the wisdom of hindsight, it was not the world's best idea to cram all my classes into 2 days. Having a 5 day weekend doesn't give you more time to do work. It gives you more time to do everything but. So much time that you always tell yourself "I have tmr", and the supposed next day that you've actually already planned out in your head (this reading to do, that assignment to start) never comes. It doesn't come until the night before next week's class. I think I can kiss all my HDs bye-bye.

And apparently the fact that I have a session with Jas and her boyfriend in the recording studio tmr and still no script for them makes me feel like hurrying it out even less.

It's so nice and cool in my room. So perfect to nap.

2009-07-25T13:58:00.002+08:00

This video made my day. I crawled outta bed feeling like I had half my life sucked outta me, but watching this wedding video put every inch of it back in place and it made me smile from the inside. Today is going to b a good day. I hope. :/

2009-07-18T20:22:00.003+08:00

It's uncanny. Everything I do seems to be reminding me of how much I miss home and everything that comes with it. Even the episode of How I Met Your Mother that I just caught, where Robin was feeling homesick so Marshall brought her out to a Canadian bar just so she could feel at home for a while. And the conversation they had on the steps of the porch was utterly touching. I wish I had a bunch of friends just like that. A bunch of friends who would track me down if I went missing. Who wouldn't call a place home if I weren't a part of it. Who would make me feel like I mattered.

I just spent my evening over the phone and skype with Bay. And again, it only reminded me of how much I missed her. My heart feels heavy and my eyes teary just thinking about it.

Gonna steep in a bubble bath and wash it all away.

2009-07-17T16:39:00.006+08:00

Sydney gave me a bout of very ugly, red, swollen, sore toes. I know it was the result of wearing my pad-less, support-less "trendy zone" shoes, but in a bid to save myself from much teasing for being vain (which I wasn't k. I swear), I have to argue it's all the walking we had to do & perhaps some sort of undiscovered toe-swelling bacteria that lurks in dirty, muddy rainwater all over the place.

But I've been back for a couple of days now. Toes're almost back to normal, only the pinkie on my right foot looks mutated. Heal, pinkie. Heal! Got last semester's results. Balloted for next semester's class. 2 days of uni per week. How awesome is that. :)

Sorted the hundreds of Sydney pictures. And being me, being lazy and so utterly careless, I'm just gonna take my time with editing the pictures. So they will be released in batches. Of cos the ones that will be up are the ones I CHOSE to edit. Haha! I reckon that's better than nothing. So here you have it. Day 1!

Fish Market

Dinner @ Pancakes on the Rocks @ Darling Harbour

2009-06-13T13:54:00.003+08:00

The midyear sale rendered me ... insane. And the fact that I only accredit notes that have Yusof Ishak's big face on it (if not they're just paper I trade in exchange for very pretty stuff), doesn't help curb the yearning to buy everything I lay my eyes on. Lets recap how much I've spent on shopping in the past 2 weeks:

1. Nine West boots - $109

2. Diva bangle - $7

3. Valley Girl tank top - $15

4. Valley Girl scarf - $13

5. Valley Girl feather top - $25

6. General Pants turtle neck - $10 (DAMN CHEAP, & it's the one in the pictures)

7. General Pants bag - $20

8. Cheap Mondays from Fat - $90

9. Supre leggings - $25

10. Supre belt - $16

11. Supre jeans - $45

And that's what I can remember. For those I cannot remember, I hope I never do, cos this list already gave me a heart attack. Feel ... poor. Yet actually, slightly ... happy. Hahaha! What a concoction of feelings. Heart attack-ish, poor, happy.

Ok, so we're heading upwards in July to Sydneyyyyy! The last time I went to Sydney, all I recall doing was getting lost and making my mummy cry cos she thought she lost her 5 year old daughter for good. Hmmm... ok, all Sydney expenses will be charged to my Singapore cards. I need what's left of my Aussie dollars to take me through 5 more months. :(

Time to head out to read! (& study for, Dineyyy)

2009-06-07T22:24:00.004+08:00

We haven't been buying groceries, so we've been eating out and eating out and eating out. Not awesome at all. So today, we decided to head out to Safeway to stock up a bit & I managed to whip up a steak dinner, by Dine's request. I never thought I'd be this happy to have a home cooked meal.

Another week of utter hell before I toss everything uni related into a bonfire I will start outside my house. :D Maybe I'll do a little dancing ritual-ish thing around it.

On Friday, Dine and I decided to forget about work for a night, & to ease our lingering remorse about our mediocre results/work; we had Korean BBQ, walked to Crown (whilst taking a ton of pictures, smth we don't usually do), stopped to watch this band outside this cafe which was on the way, shopped @ Crown, watched a movie and had coffee (Jasmine included) @ Crown. We felt better by the end of it.

Saturday, we tried to be cultured so we checked out a jazz bar. Maybe it was just the band, but the music was a tad too esoteric for us, only 1 song made paying a cover charge of $10 worth while.

Sunday saw me sleeping till the sun set. Haha. Yes. I woke up when the sun was setting. I felt terrible, but good at the same time. Almost paid back my sleep debt for the week!

Alrighty, I better cracking on my last 2 assignments. Shall leave a trail of a few shots from Friday!

2009-05-29T16:55:00.006+08:00

Reminiscing my days at Zouk. I miss Zouk. :( It's Friday night now and I'm suppose to be fretting and giving every penny of my attention to writing my article that's due on Monday, but I keep wandering into my pictures folder and scrolling through pictures taken in Zouk. I miss Zouk. :( Well, I hope your enjoyed that deluge of narcissistic, self-gratifying, random, messy pictures. Think some of them've never been released on the web before.

Oh, and 1 other thing. I MISS MY LONG LONG HAIR TOO.

2009-05-25T22:54:00.002+08:00

Shot's got a bit too much headroom, but hey, first ever moment captured with me handling an SLR. Haha. Pretty pretty camera.

So the semester's coming to a close. And I'm suppose to be freaking out and burying my head in mountains of books and spending hours on end in radio editing suites. But, I'm not. Infact, I spend my time watching videos on youtube about children who are prematurely born/born with disabilities/born with defects. Yes, seems like I have a tad too much time on my hands. But I think this random spurge of youtube surfing made me re-realise how we really don't have problems. Problems that we tend to dramatise and blow out of proportion, that we waste enormous amounts of time brooding and moping over. Honestly, what's our "hard time" compared to people who actually, literally have to suffer and not in a poetic manner. I know babies, when they get older, may not remember the pain they went through, but that's if they even get through it. And it just wrenches the heart when you see a complicated maze of tubes running in and out this tiny human being. It's impossible to even begin to imagine how much he/she is struggling.

Having watched all those videos made me sad. Made me feel. Something I haven't done in a while. I recognise that "feeling" consists of more than just being sad/emo, but I find that that's the only emotion that tells me my heart is where it should be. And I discovered just today (at least for now), that I don't want to feel love. I'm afraid of love. Because this 4 letter emotion comes with too much beauty and happiness that is at the same time tied to a possibility of a massive heartbreak that I don't think any part of me can ever weather again.

This may be in the heat of the moment, but I'm really considering volunteering at a children's hospital. Maybe not here, but when I go back for holidays. Since it's too short to do anything full time, and I'm not gonna allow some agency to exploit me at intern pay, I should do smth that gives back.

Friends, please restrain from berating me about this/tell me how I'm never gonna get down to volunteering. You know how I like to just steep in sad waters once in a while/then you don't know me all that well if you don't know I ever thought of going into humanitarian.

How did this post end up on such a note!?

Ok! Completely wet blanket-ish, but time for ice cream and maybe some research before bed.

2009-05-12T17:55:00.001+08:00

A couple from the roadtrip. Played around with photoshop for a bit. Something I remember to tremendously enjoy doing not so long ago. I wonder where all that passion died to. With all the work piling up, and so many of my closest friends so far away, I can't help but feel so... sian.

I skipped lecture this morning. Not a good thing, but I honestly can't give a rats ass about this unit anymore. I went for Graphic Design's lab in the arvo, and that has to be my most favourite mod for the time being/this sem. Hopefully this unit'll make my grade sheet look good.

Well, time to bury my head in news articles. What a pain.

2009-05-07T16:58:00.003+08:00

Go curls? I finally (sorta) had some free time. So I figured since I'm gonna chop my locks at 4pm tmr, I shld do smth to it now, so I don't miss it too much when it's gone.

Ok fine. I'm talking like I'm gonna go boy-short again. I'm not. It's just gonna be.. shorter. I actually don't think anyone's gonna see a difference when I walk outta the salon tmr. Or mayb I'll walk out with curly hair. :)

Birthday. Roadtrip. Family. Friends. Assignments. I haven't caught up on sleep yet. I haven't gotten around organising the photos from the roadtrip yet. Oh, and guess what. In the next month, I have 6 major assignments due. 20%, 15% (ok, not exactly major this one, but a lot of effort required because this requires Illustrator skills and mine are rusty as hell), 30%, 20%, 45%, 30%. Respectively due. SIGH, ok. BIG FAT FUCKING SIGH.

Can't wait for Winter Break. Not really the Winter part though. Seeing how I'm still coat deficient. Seriously need to get my hands on them eskimo jackets. But wait. Shop? TIME?!!!?? NO TIME.

Many many angst. :( Maybe also because I just thought to myself today in class, what a spinster I'd grow old to be.

2009-04-21T20:12:00.003+08:00

I remember very vividly, how it felt to sit in the Omnimax theatre at the Science Centre and watch Beauty and the Beast. The grandeur.

We were only 13, Bay and I, and we were moved. The feeling's ineffable. You'd understand if you were there. When the movie first came on, we had to turn our heads slightly left and right in order to see the whole screen. I will never forget the experience. And it means so much more that Bay and I are such good friends today. Best friends.

For you who love the Disney animation as much as I do, and can't help but start to tear when Beast fades in Belle's arms.

2009-04-20T18:10:00.001+08:00

For those who've asked, my birthday wishlist:

- Agnes B. dog tags (The glittery ones. Always wanted one of those. Haha.)

- Small Bag (Just big enough to fit my wallet, my phone, and maybe some make-up. Friends, you know the sizes of the kinds of bags I carry, and they're way too big when all I have in there is what I just mentioned.)

- Clutch (Never owned one.)

- Top (? Hahaha. I really don't know. Something slightly nicer than my usual plain white tee?)

- Chanel 2.55! (Hahaha. Ok, I'm kidding. Actually, no. But, yes.)

- Nokia E71 (Sighh. Ok, yes. Something more realistic.)

- Nice trench coat for winter (I'm desperate cos I don't have the time to shop and the weather's getting colder by the day.)

Alrighty, back to work again.

2009-04-20T01:10:00.008+08:00

We embrace the emptiness of La Trobe at midnight on a Sunday. It was a very good evening. We were productive at work too:

Well, at least I was, whilst the rest (ok, they did work too. I just did more. HEH) mocked my assets with my camera and the power of perspective on their side. I'm the incarnation of an aeroplane runway and I'm proud of it. Pinchy pinchy! Hahaha!

2009-04-17T20:12:00.002+08:00

The brainchild of a few culinary adventurers! A temporary bar that apparently offers breathable gin and tonic to it's patrons! OMFG!!! So damn exciting! I hope they bring it to Melbourne. Or Singapore!! And the best part is, it's only $7/hour!!!! Ok, this's in London, but I reckon I'd even pay like $20/hour to get drunk off the air! Like, WOULDN'T YOU!?? They even provide you with protective suits so you don't smell like you just took a dip in a gin pool. Brilliant!! :D

Ok, I'm suppose to be doing work right now. But it's Friday night, n I honestly can't bring myself to think about ethnic identities and multicultural states. Or draw another page of lines and circles. Or listen to another second of my interview. Or flip open my reader. This is very bad. I need to finish my work. But I need to start first. :(

My parents chose a bad time to come. I chose a bad time to have a birthday. WOE.

2009-04-15T12:05:00.002+08:00

My brother once said to me, "Val, I think you bring out the worst in people."

Deplorable to say, I'm afraid it's true. Take my first actual boyfriend for example. At first, I made him wanna be a better person. Unintentionally and unknowing on my part, he apparently found inspiration to tame his temper and adopt the virtue of being understanding. But that didn't last for long. Over time, what he innately was started to surface and before you know it, he became worst than he had ever become. And this was, on my part, also unintentional. To be fair, I lost bits of my pride, my dignity, and a whole of 10kg.

Take all those I dated there after. They eventually either went slightly psycho or did/said things that were illogical, irrational, and sometimes, unreasonable.

Not once has someone that has come into intimate contact with me changed to become say; more focused in life, or discover what it is to be understanding, or mellow down, or found passion to pursue something big picture-ish...

So yes, that's the sad truth I've now come to terms with. Not only do I extend hurt and sadness, I bring along with me an infliction of terrible change. And no, this doesn't not make me the winner nor the last one standing between me and him. Honestly, it's more painful for me than it may come across.

D and I called it off. Logically, I cannot think of a more right thing to do. But speaking from the very pit of my heart, I don't know if it is. I miss him, I do. And I wonder whether we can ever regain that friendship we once had. I hope he never alters his moral values and sticks by them. Hopefully. Maybe.

Back to my amazingly atrocious ability in causing people to behave with no sense of thought, I think for the better of you, you should all stay away from me.

*Sigh. What an Easter.

Time for work.

2009-04-09T15:38:00.002+08:00

Words can't describe, the loss my family suffers. The loss I suffer. No longer will I be greeted with wagging tails when I step into the house. Not even 1. I hope you're in a better place, Niks. And I hope you're still doing well, Ash. I love you both. My love. My family.

2009-04-09T02:22:00.006+08:00

I wish I was a star so I could glow as Yvaine does. I think it's absolutely adorable how she would start to shine whenever she was close to Tristan. And how she described love as the only thing that made it bearable to keep watching mankind.

My faith in undying, unconditional love has been renewed. And I'm guessing it'll last till I wake up in the morning.

Speaking of waking up in the morning, I'd be waking up to my first day of Easter Break. What a hoot. Well, not really. We made a housemate pack to clean up the place tmr, and the only part I look forward to is seeing my bath tub clean. Aside from the spot where we stand to shower, the rest of the bath tub pretty much hasn't been touched since the first time we moved in some 8 weeks ago, when we did our first spring cleaning. So you could imagine. Eck.

Well well, this weekend's the housewarming weekend. Tonnes of stuff to do. Not entirely excited cos I'm more bothered about what's gonna happen after the party. When I gotta plough my way through my house and try and clean up the rubble of what's left of the place. I think I'm old and boring. And dried up. No fun. I need to find my fun back.

I hope I complete 3 of my assignments by the end of the break too. I hope hope hope.

2009-04-05T23:59:00.005+08:00

So I have to concede to the once mythical belief. Camberwell is most absolutely worth the painful crawling out of bed at 8am on a Sunday morning. A picture of all my buys save 1 white nightie slip-on which was already in the wash at that time. Next time, I'm bringing a bigger bag. Bigger for more! :)

In the time we were rummaging through the many stalls, it went from cold to chilly and rainy to hot and sunny to rainy again and hot then back to cold. Men. You think your women are erratic and temperamental, well you haven't met Melbourne's weather.

Regardless of my totally amazing buys by the means of my unwavering determination to purchase as much for as little possible, retail therapy hasn't exactly shed much effect on me.

Sigh, the matters of the heart are never easy as pie. I wish Niks was still around to give me that silently thoughtful canine comfort.

My heart aches with frustration, hurt and from a huge empty pit where Nika used to fill.

2009-04-04T16:34:00.000+08:00

Cool! My brand new site. :) You shall do me proud.